


in this town of glass and eyes

by fairytalelights



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Family Issues, Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, but not between Dan and Phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:04:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8028904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytalelights/pseuds/fairytalelights
Summary: “I feel like when they look at me, they still see that kid that failed his law degree at university. They don't know what I do, they don't understand what Youtube is, they know that I'm on the radio, that's fine with them, but...” Dan sighs.“You feel like they aren't proud of you,” Phil says quietly. Dan leans back against the bed and lets Phil card his fingers through his hair. He hasn't straightened it yet anyway.
or the one where Dan goes on a family holiday and it's not that easy.





	in this town of glass and eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Translation into Russian available [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4767252) by [SassyCookie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyCookie)
> 
> Disclaimer: This should go without saying, but since Dan's family is in this, I want to stress that this is all fiction. I don't claim to know what his family is like, nor do I necessarily think that this is what they are like. This never happened. I didn't change Adrian's name, but only because it felt too confusing.

“Dan, do you want to come to Italy with us this year? Your brother doesn't have uni in July and your father always wanted to visit Rome -” His mother goes on like that for a few minutes.

Dan hesitates, realises he doesn't have a good enough reason to refuse, at least not one he can explain to his mum, and accepts. It kind of goes from there.

 

“You have to pack something not black,” Phil says as Dan throws the fourth sweater into his suitcase. Dan opens his mouth in protest, but Phil just gives him a stern look. “It's gonna be hot in Italy, you will actually get a heat stroke – again – if you wear one of these.”

Sighing, Dan takes one of the sweaters out and puts the white moth shirt in that Phil practically throws in his direction.

“Hey,” Phil says softer, nudging him with his foot from where he is sat on the edge of Dan's bed. (Their bed, actually.) “What's wrong?”

“What makes you think that anything is wrong?” Dan tries for a light tone, but he knows that he's been off all day, and he knows that Phil knows it, too. Phil doesn't answer, just bumps his foot against his shoulder again.

Dan stays quiet for a while, then he says, “It's just, I don't know if I can spend a week with my family. It should be fine, I don't get to see them that often, I should be happy about this, but sometimes they feel like strangers to me.” Dan throws a pair of socks in the suitcase. It's not a black one, so definitely one of Phil's, but neither of them mentions it.

“I feel like when they look at me, they still see that kid that failed his law degree at university. They don't know what I do, they don't understand what Youtube is, they know that I'm on the radio, that's fine with them, but...” Dan sighs.

“You feel like they aren't proud of you,” Phil says quietly. Dan leans back against the bed and lets Phil card his fingers through his hair. He hasn't straightened it yet anyway.

Dan closes his eyes. “I don't know. Maybe not proud enough. Other parents are proud when their son makes a lot of money and is semi-famous, right? Or, well if he's famous for something other than being a porn star or being on reality TV, I guess.” The _Your parents are proud of you, Phil_ , that's in there somewhere, goes unsaid. Phil just presses a kiss on top of his head.

There are a few more things he doesn't say. Like the fact that he's not completely sure his family ever accepted his sexuality, because they never talk about it much. The fact that Dan has gone on two holidays with Phil's family already but that Phil wasn't even invited to theirs.

There's also his brother. Dan and Adrian text sometimes, but it's mostly forced conversation Dan tries to make about some new album or video game, trying to gloss over the fact that he doesn't even know what Adrian is interested in. After that, Dan mostly asks how uni is going, Adrian replies with _good_ and that's the end. After these conversations, Phil always takes one look at Dan's phone and stops stealing his cereal for two days.

“You know I actually do have to pack,” Dan mumbles after a while of comfortable silence.

“Don't let me stop you,” Phil answers. He doesn't take his fingers out of Dan's hair though.

“No, please don't stop the head massage, this is nice.”

If Dan actually manages to fall asleep against Phil's knees and has to do all of his packing the next morning in the last thirty minutes before he has to leave, well, no one has to know.

 

 

Dan meets his family at the airport and straight after he arrives, the atmosphere feels stressed and tense. It's 5 o'clock in the morning, his brother looks like someone might be able to talk to him in about five coffees, his mum keeps shooting worried looks at the clock and their dad is off to try and check in their luggage. Dan actually knows that they have enough time left, he also knows where they have to go next and what they have to do, because he does this a lot, contrary to his parents. He doesn't say anything though, just answers the usual questions from his mum (yes, he has packed everything, no, he hasn't eaten, it's way too early and yes, he had two coffees already).

When his dad hasn't returned after fifteen minutes, Dan sighs, goes to find him and checks the luggage in himself.

 

After an hour, they finally board the plane. Dan settles in his seat next to his brother and proceeds to send Phil a string of emojis that are supposed to represent his suffering (mostly the fire one), when a timid voice next to him says, “Hi, oh my god, can I maybe take a picture with you, I'm really sorry to bother you, oh my god.”

He looks up at the girl in front of him, maybe about fifteen years old, who looks a bit shaky, but all in all more on the composed side than other people Dan has met.

“Yeah, of course,” he smiles at her and waits paitently as she tries to turn her front camera on. “Here, let me take the picture, my arm is longer,” he laughs, making his go to meet and greet joke that has proven to be an excellent icebreaker.

He gets up from his seat and crouches down next to her, taking a few pictures to make sure she has one she's content with. “What's your name?” he asks after he gives her phone back.

“Mary,” she anwers. “I'm going on holiday with my family, it's so cool to meet you here, where's Phil?” She looks around at that sentence, almost as if she's expecting Phil to come around the corner any minute now. Dan supposes she actually is.

“Oh no, it's just me, I'm with my family too.”

“Oh.” Mary looks surprised, but Dan shakes the feeling of uneasiness. It's completely normal to go on a week-long holiday without your longterm boyfriend. They aren't one of these codependent couples. And even if they were, Mary doesn't know that they are even a couple at all. Although, judging by the face she makes, Dan has the nagging suspicion that she actually does know.

“Anyway, say hi to him, tell him I'm Phil trash number two!” She waves at him as she practically skips down the aisle back to her own seat. Dan lets out a surprised laugh at that and sits back down.

Adrian musters him weirdly. “You have a different voice,” he says.

“Huh?” Dan turns to him, most of his attention focused on untangling his headphone chords.

“Your voice gets different when you talk to fans. It's like you do a weird presenter thing, or like... You slip into a role.”

“I do not,” Dan defends himself weakly. He actually knows it's true, knows that he does it almost subconciously by now. There's only so many times you can make the same joke when you meet new people, until you start to wonder if it actually comes all that naturally.

It would be easier if Phil was here, Dan doesn't say. It would be easier because they fit so well, they fill each others silences, they know how to play their banter up in the right moments so the fans feel comfortable and included. He isn't sure Adrian would understand though, so he doesn't say anything.

 

In the next few days they go exploring around the city.

His mum wants to do all the cliché touristy stuff, while Dan honestly just wants to visit a few shops to buy random shit for Phil and some of this friends and to instagram a few landmarks. He isn't sure what Adrian and his dad want to do besides quietly wander through Rome and look around, but at least they aren't complaining, so that's a plus.

The tense atmosphere from the airport kind of stays with them, always there, lingering in the background.

Dan constantly feels on edge and he uses what Adrian called his “presenter voice” way too often while talking, in a tone that's perfectly polite, but also distant, like he's talking to strangers instead of his own family. It's a tone he stopped using with Phil five minutes into their first Skype call.

 

So, talking to his family is exhausting. Going out turns out to also be exhausting, because Dan feels like there are subscribers _everywhere_.

Statistically, there are European countries in which more people watch their videos than in Italy. But this is a tourist hotspot and “not as many people” still includes quite a lot.

Logically speaking, Dan shouldn't feel much different going out here than he does when he's in London.

 _The difference is that Phil is not here,_ a voice in his head whispers. Dan decides to ignore it.

  


Adrian sees the most of it, because their mum tries to force some brotherly bonding time onto them. She tries to be subtle about it, but after the fifth “Oh look, a store with video games, don't you boys both love video games, you should go together while your father and I find a table at the café,” it becomes painfully obvious what she's trying to do.

Of course, while they are in whatever place their mum made them go, there's usually one or two people who recognize him and Dan loves his fans, he really does, but he can feel Adrian's stare in the back of his neck while he talks to them. He doesn't know if he's being judged or not and the thought makes his skin prickle.

 

“You're actually good with them,” Adrian says thoughtful after the fourth time it happens.

“I am?” Dan aks surprised. It's not that he's doubting his ability to talk to their fans and needs the reassurance. While he's usually bad at talking to strangers, this is a situation which he knows how to handle and Dan knows that he's good at his job.

No, it's just that it's Adrian who's saying it, who's never shown any indication that he's interested in what Dan does and that he approves. The closest thing to a comment about his Youtube career Dan ever got from his brother was years ago when his fans found Adrian's Tumblr and started to spam him. And he didn't even say that to his face, Dan just saw the same angry Tumblr post as everyone else before the whole account was deleted. Dan still feels bad about it, but Adrian just brushed it off when Dan tried to bring it up afterwards.

“I didn't think you'd be that good at talking to people, but you are with them and I don't know, I'm just surprised I guess.” Adrian doesn't really look at him while saying it, sounding as emotionally detached as always.

Dan tries not to reply something passive aggressive like, “Well, you wouldn't actually know how I act in social situations, you don't know anything about me anymore,” instead he just says “Thanks”, smiles (he hopes it doesn't look more like a grimace), and makes their way back to their parents.

 

The first time his mum is present while a fan comes up to him, her face is a mixture between confusion and open shock. Dan doesn't know what exactly she's shocked by, but if he had to take guesses, he would say she mostly didn't expect him to be so professional about handling these situations. Dan supposes it shows in his demeanour, how often he's done this and he can't believe how suprised his mum is. Somehow it feels different than Adrian's offhand comment, because this is his mum. At least she should believe that he is capable of something. She should be proud.

He thinks about what Phil said before he left and missing him becomes a sharp feeling inside his ribcage.

 _I've done this a thousand times before_ , Dan thinks bitterly. _It's actually part of my job, which I love passionately. You would know if you had come to a show once._

  


His mum seems even more surprised at the questions the fans ask. Some are inside jokes that she couldn't possibly get, one person is actually brave enough to ask which one he thinks is hotter, Haru or Evan Peters (to which Dan, after slight hesitation, replies Evan Peters because Haru is an animated character after all) and his mum raises her eyebrows so high that Dan's afraid they might fall off.

Also, almost every single person asks about Phil. After a few days, some of the older girls stop asking where he is and Dan supposes that those are the ones that are part of their “Phandom” on Twitter or Tumblr and that the news that Dan is on holiday with his family has spread. However, they still ask him to pass along messages and hugs and they still want to talk about Phil just as badly. (Which is nice, because Phil just so happens to be one of Dan's favourite subjects to talk about.)

His mum looks like she wants to ask about it a few times, but contrary to Adrian, she doesn't. (His father doesn't ask either but he and Dan don't have much to say to each other most of the time anyway and are happy just peacefully coexisting.)

The whole subject just gets ignored and it's a bit uncomfortable, to have this big thing always happening during their holiday, but not talking about it.

Surprisingly, it's Adrian who brings it up again. He starts to joke about the ridiculously colourful shirts they see in some of the little Italian boutiques and that Dan could wear them for the rest of their holiday, because his fans wouldn't recognize him in anything other than monochrome clothes anyway.

Dan lets out a surprised laugh at the remark and suddenly feels a rush of affection towards his little brother for trying to make the whole thing less awkward. It doesn't really stop his mother from throwing him weird looks whenever a subscriber comes up to him, but it eases the tension a bit.

 

At first Dan is so focused on the fact that no one asks about his job and that things get awkward when it comes to his fame, that it's easy to ignore the other elephant in the room. Phil.

Dan has always known that his sexuality is a difficult subject with his parents, but he doesn't know when he actively stopped to mention his boyfriend's name around them, just to avoid any potential awkwardness before it can actually happen. Of course, everyone always asks “How is Phil?” politely every time they see each other, but strangely enough, the only person who actually seems to want to hear more about him than the “He's fine,” with which Dan always replies, is his grandma. (Suddenly Dan wishes his mum had invited her to this holiday, just so he'd feel less alone.)

Dan doesn't realise how much he actually talks about Phil until he has to force himself to stop doing it, to not start every second sentence with “Phil and I” and “We're actually thinking of going to -” or just to stop using the “we”-pronoun that much. He discovers that his usual conversation topics have suddenly been cut in half due to that rule.

 

When they are looking for a nice little Italian restaurant to get dinner one evening, Dan stops in the middle of the road. There are rings in the window of the shop to his right, but not just any rings, no, these are. These are perfect.

Dan usually can't imagine Phil wearing any sort of ring, but he can picture him wearing one of these, simple but elegant, and he's itching to go inside, to discuss his options with the salesperson, to tell them “Oh, I'm looking for an engagement ring for my boyfriend”. It's not the first time he has thought of marriage in regards to Phil, it's not even the second or the tenth time, but this is the first time it has felt tangible, not like a “when we are older” vision from the future, but like a real thing that he wants to do right now.

It's just, there's a reason why he hasn't asked yet and he's sharply reminded of that when his family, who have finally noticed that Dan isn't next to them anymore several metres ahead, calls out for him impatiently.

Dan knows that you shouldn't have to be afraid to get your own parents permission for asking your boyfriend to marry you though. You should be afraid of your boyfriend's family, but the thing is, he sort of already has the blessing of Phil's entire family. (And by that he means that even Phil's grandparents and maybe two or three of his aunts know about his plans and approve.)

He just doesn't know how to bring the subject up with his own family, how to make it clear to them that this means everything to him and that this once, this is something for which he needs their support.

Dan shoots a last look at one of the most beautiful rings in the window, then he rushes to catch up to them.

 

“I saw what you were looking at earlier, you know,” Adrian tells him when they return to their shared hotel room that night.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Dan pretends, not looking at his brother while he's dumping bags of stuff on his bed.

“You want to ask Phil to marry you, don't you?” He sounds curious, not judging, so Dan nods.

“Congrats,” Adrian says softly and Dan lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. Their relationship might have been a bit strained over the years, but he knows that Adrian is a good person. Also, it's not his brother's fault that his parents act weird when it comes to Phil.

And about his career... Well, maybe Dan should have given Adrian a chance before just assuming that he was against it because of that one Tumblr incident years ago.

“You think it will be fine?” Dan asks, not because he's afraid Phil would say no, that's not what he's asking. Adrian seems to get it anyway.

“Of course, Dan, they might not always show it, but they are happy for you.” The _I'm happy for you too_ is implied.

“Speaking of Phil, how come he isn't here anyway? I thought you two were attached at the hip these days,” Adrian laughs.

“Have you been reading Phan blogs, little brother?” Dan shoots back mockingly, but then he gets serious again. “And what do you mean, I thought this was supposed to be a small family holiday, just us four.”

“Huh,” Adrian says. “That's weird, 'cause mum invited my girlfriend, Mia, I think I told you about her, didn't I? We have only started dating in May, so I thought it was a bit early and didn't ask her.”

Dan stares at him open-mouthed.

“Excuse me, I think there is something I need to talk to mum about. Something I should have done years ago.” He shuts the door behind him with probably more force than necessary as he storms out.

 

“We need to fucking talk,” Dan says, fuming with anger, as he bursts into his parents' hotel room. There's only his mum in there, the shower going off in the adjacent bathroom, so that's probably where his dad is. She's looking at him with wide eyes.

“Daniel, language!” she scolds but Dan couldn't care less right now.

“I get that you think my job is shit, alright? I don't care that much, I know I'm doing good for myself, I know it's probably not what you imagined and that you don't think my success is valid and all that stuff, despite the fact that I build this all on my own! Well, together with Phil. And that's,” he makes a pause to catch his breath. “That's what's wrong! You can look down on me for whatever twisted reasons you have for all you want, but you don't get to look down on the fact that I'm with him, because he's the best fucking thing that's ever happened to me. You know how depressed and lonely I was as a teenager and he changed that! He showed me that life wasn't automatically meant to be this dull, grey lump, he just came in and made it so much _better_. So don't you dare imply that the fact that he's a boy takes away any of the importance of that, because it's just,” Dan feels his anger go out of him and a weird resignation takes its place. “It's just not fair,” he finishes quietly.

“Dan, I never wanted to, I don't,” his mum starts to stutter and Dan can't listen to excuses, not right now.

“Why didn't you ask Phil to come? We've been together for seven years, his family includes me every time they do something, why wasn't he invited?”

“Dan, I just -”

“And if you dare to tell me you just wanted it to be closest family, then you can explain to me right now why Adrian's girlfriend of two months was invited.”

His mum has gone pale. She's probably shocked at Dan's outburst, because this isn't typical for him.

They don't talk about things, they get uncomfortable and passive aggressive and they go back to ignoring every subject that might be the slightest source of discomfort. Dan knows that he should stop at this point, but there is something he needs to say and if he doesn't say it at this point, he might never do it.

“I wanna ask him to marry me. I wanted to ask for two years but every time I even mention that I have a boyfriend you get that look on your face, that says, _didn't he tell me he was bisexual when he first came out to me, when will he finally settle down with a girl_. You still don't understand that I don't want that, that Phil is the only one that I want, and I have known that since I was nineteen years old. How can you still not get it?”

His mum opens his mouth as if to reply, but nothing comes out. Sighing, Dan gets up.

“I'm just gonna go somewhere else for a moment. There's only one day left of this holiday anyway, after that you can go back to pretending that I live in London as a lawyer with a nice girlfriend, instead of making videos in my bedroom and practising sodomy on the regular.” He winces at his own words, but he doesn't take them back. Then he leaves the room.

 

He doesn't turn up for breakfast the next morning and hides by the pool instead. He knows it's petty, but he really can't deal with everyone trying to make forced small-talk and ignoring their problems right now.

After about an hour, his mum finds him. She sits down next to him on the edge of the pool, very carefully, and they both don't say anything for a few moments.

“I never meant to make you feel like this, Dan,” she starts, her voice unsure. It's a deep contrast to her usual loud and confident demeanour.

“First of all, I'm sorry that I never told you how proud I am of you for what you're doing. I'm not gonna lie, I may not always understand it, but seeing these people come up to you, telling you how much you changed their lives, I'm so sorry that I never tried to involve myself more. And of course I would have been proud if you'd become a lawyer, but that wouldn't have made you happy, and that's all a mother ever wants for her children. For them to be happy.” Her eyes get a bit wet. Dan tries to stare at a point at the wall next to her to let her pretend that he didn't see it and also to stop his own tears from flowing.

“And that brings me to Phil. Dan, I can not tell you how sorry I am. You were right, it took me a while to come to terms with your sexuality and I did cling onto the hope that you might still be with a girl someday. But now I realise how selfish that was of me. I just wanted you to be with a girl so I didn't have to deal with you liking boys, so I could tell Mrs. Walker from next door that you had a nice girlfriend the next time she asked, so I didn't have to face any of the things that I have never questioned in my entire life until you came along.” She sighs and puts her hand on his arm.

“But Dan, honey, I was so wrong. You are my son and my desire to ignore everything slightly difficult shouldn't have stopped me from talking to you about things that are important to you. It shouldn't have stopped me from trying to have a good relationship with you. So I'm sorry. Please ask Phil to marry you. I couldn't imagine anyone who would take better care of you.”

They are both crying a bit at this point, and because they are Howells, they are both trying to pretend it isn't happening and don't look at each other.

“Thank you mum,” Dan whispers and hugs his mum, careful not to get snot from crying all over her.

“I love you Dan,” she says. He sucks in a sharp breath. They never do this. His family isn't like Phil's, who tells each other “I love you” when they hang up the phone. It isn't like Dan ever doubted that his family loves him, hearing it like this is just – different.

“I know,” Dan answers. “Um, me too.” It's all a bit awkward. But like, nice. His mum looks like she wants to add more, but this is the most talking-about-emotions they did in over a decade, so Dan doesn't want to push his luck and gets up instead. “I'm gonna, um -” _call Phil_ , is what he wouldn't have said two days ago. “- call Phil,” is what he says now, smiles at his mum and goes outside. His voice is only shaking a little bit when he tells Phil about their conversation. (Except, of course, for the marriage part. There will be time for that later.)

 

During dinner that evening, his dad, who obviously got told about the fight by his mum, very awkwardly says how proud he is of him, that he thinks that Phil is a lovely young man and that he's sorry that they never talk about it that much. Adrian snorts a bit into his drink and Dan doesn't quite know how to react other than with a confused “Thank you” but that seems enough because the conversation feels much lighter after that.

 

On the next day, their last day in Italy, Dan makes his way back to the little jeweler he saw a few days ago. He buys the ring.

 

When Dan lets himself into their flat the next evening, it's dark, as he suspected. Phil has a healthy sleep schedule most of the time, and it's already midnight. He tries to get ready for bed as silently as possible, but Phil still stirs when he climbs in next to him. “Wha'time 'ssit?” Phil slurs at him, not quite awake yet, but also not asleep anymore. “Not important, go back to sleep,” Dan murmurs and presses a kiss to his boyfriend's forehead.

“No, wanna know how your trip was,” Phil murmurs and shuffles closer to him, pressing his face into Dan's shoulder.

“It was nice,” Dan murmurs back. “Actually, really really nice.” They are silent for a few moments, but Phil's breathing doesn't even out again so Dan knows that he has definitely woken him up and that he will take a while to go back to sleep.

He feels his hand go clammy around the metal object in his hand, that he took to bed with the intention of hiding it in his bedside drawer, but suddenly he can't wait a minute longer.

“Phil,” he starts quietly again and puts a bit of space between them so he can see Phil's face.

“Yeah?” he answers, still not opening his eyes.

“Marry me?”

“You -” Phil starts slowly. “I just, what -” Then he actually seems to get what Dan is asking.

He immediately opens his eyes, sits up and stares at Dan in the dark.

“I can't believe you're asking me this right now while I'm still half asleep, you -” Phil stops talking, looks down at Dan holding the thin silver ring in his palm, looks up at his face again and then jumps out of the bed. “Just a moment!” he throws over his shoulder as he dashes out of the room. Dan can hear him bump into a few things on his way before he finally has the brilliant idea to turn on the light.

“You know, it's rude to keep someone waiting after they've proposed marriage!” Dan calls after him, slightly worried, but not actually that much, because this is by far not the weirdest thing that Phil has ever done. And it's not like he's gonna say no. Hopefully. That would be an awful way to say no and Dan is actually starting to feel a bit offended right now.

Phil returns a few moments later, heavily panting, with a small black box in his hand. Dan's mouth goes dry. “Phil,” he breathes softly.

“I've had this for over a year,” Phil says as he climbs back onto the bed. “I was thinking of asking for about four now. I just... I didn't think you were ready. I didn't think you wanted to, yet.”

He takes Dan's hand and slides the ring onto his finger. Dan has to smile because while it's almost a complete contrast to the one he bought for Phil, they kind of match anyway. In a weird, puzzle pieces way, just like their personalities do.

“In case it wasn't clear that was a yes by the way,” Phil says and Dan kisses him while trying to put the ring on Phil's finger at the same time. It doesn't completely work and they just end up laughing into each others mouth while clinging onto each other's hands. It's Dan's favourite kiss so far.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A massive thank you to my wonderful beta Isa, who told me that no fanfiction would be complete without the phrase "he lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding", so I kept it in.  
> Also to my wonderful sister, who listened to me talk about this fic.  
> Title taken from "An Act Of Kindness" by Bastille.  
> (I'm here on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/likefairytale) and on [Tumblr](https://lookslikefairytale.tumblr.com), if you wanna say hi.)


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